Setting Boundaries
Have you ever had any of the following experiences (all true stories)?
“I’d love to have you come stay with us for the weekend”….”Wait! Your plane ticket is for 8 days!”
“I can come help you with that from 10-12 that morning.”….”Wait! This is going to take all day!”
“Sure, I’ll be on that event committee”….”Wait! I never said I would co-chair the event!”
When our agreements turn into much more time/energy/commitment than we anticipated, that can create stress and make us feel overwhelmed, anxious, or frustrated. Saying “no” initially is certainly an option, but often there was an original comfortable “yes” that just turns into way more than we agreed to.
So what to do? As a chronic people-pleaser and over-committer (this is Carey) - and with a full admission that this is still a work in progress for me! - here are some of the ways I manage this.
Saying no more often, even to the small asks. I try to remember to ask myself, “Is this something that will improve my life or relationship?” I have noticed that saying no more often frees me up to say “yes” to more things that really bring me joy and it also makes me feel less resentful.
If I can’t say “no,” I try to remember to say, “let me think about that and I’ll get back to you,” before committing. That gives me the space to check in on whether I really can (and want to) do it.
Asking more questions at the time of the request rather than immediately saying “sure!” When someone says an amount of time something will take, I check in with myself about whether this is realistic or accurate? Who else is involved? (lesson learned, small committees mean more commitment!)
Checking in with myself about the bigger commitment, and seeing if I can adjust my expectations and meet the larger need. Sometimes it’s really fine to do the extra.
At the time when it becomes clear that the commitment is turning into more than I agreed to, or more than I can realistically do without stress, I create a new agreement that places clearer limits on the situation. It helps to lead with the positive here.
“Your trip is longer than I realized - we’d still love to have you for the weekend, but during the week we already have a lot of other things going on. Would you like some recommendations for good places to stay?”
“This has been 3 hours already, and I had said I could help for 2. I’ll need to leave in 30 minutes.”
“I’m happy to be on the committee, but can’t co-chair.”
Almost always, my concern is letting others down, or disappointing them. But increasingly I see (wisdom that comes with age) that setting limits and clear boundaries about what I actually can do is better for my relationships and also my well-being than overdoing it and feeling resentful.
Action Steps
Think about a time you ended up in a situation that took way more time/energy/involvement than you anticipated AND it didn’t feel good. Which approach described above might have helped you change things?